To Raise Empathetic Children, Lead By Example

Many parents see the task of parenting as transforming a crying, hungry, wild little child into a civilized being—like them, of course. Actually, the exact opposite is true.

Much recent research is finding that children start life with a sort of nobility of soul and spirit. Sadly, before long, their well of loving-kindness tends to be gradually poisoned by their caregivers. How does this happen, and what can we do to nurture rather than destroy the inherently good nature of children?

Before we look at some of these recent studies, let’s get our terms straight. The word altruism refers to behaviour that is voluntary and intended to benefit others, be they animal or man, even at the risk of harming oneself. A fundamental motivating force of altruism is empathy.

Empathy is the ability to sense other people's emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling; sympathy stems in part from our relief in not having the same problems. Empathy and compassion are part of the same perception and response continuum that moves human beings from observation to action.

We have known for a long time that babies cry when they hear other babies cry, and once they have enough physical competence, they soothe others in distress. Harriet Rheingold was the first to describe how infants at 18 months of age spontaneously pitched in to help with a variety of household chores.

The research on infants’ helping behaviour was then revitalized about 15 years ago through the seminal works of Warneken and Tomasello, who found that some infants as young as 14 months pass objects to another individual when this individual reaches out for an object unsuccessfully. For example, they helped when the experimenter reached out for a clothespin that dropped on the ground.

From around 18 months, infants begin to help in more situations. For example, they will open the door of a cabinet when an experimenter, holding a stack of books, wants to put the books in the cabinet but cannot successfully open the door.

A University of Ottawa study asked parents to recall the earliest instance of their child’s helping behaviour (4). Of the 80 parents who responded to the questionnaires, 49 recalled their children’s earliest helping in the second year of life and 31 parents in the first year of life. 14 parents of the latter group recalled helping behaviour even before eight months of age.

Michael Davidov followed three-month-old infants at ages 6, 12, and 18 months and observed their responses to others’ distress. Empathic concern was moderately consistent across both situations and ages, from as early as three months. Importantly, early individual differences in concern for others predicted later prosocial behaviour.

Researchers at the University of Washington studied 100 19-month-old children who, even when hungry, gave a tasty snack to a stranger in need. In the experiment, the child and the adult researcher faced each other across a table, and the researcher showed the child a piece of fruit. In the control group, the researcher gently tossed the piece of fruit onto a tray on the floor, beyond reach but within the child’s reach.

In the test group, the researcher pretended to accidentally drop the fruit onto the tray, and then reach for it unsuccessfully. More than half the children in the test group picked up the fruit and gave it to the adult, compared to 4 percent of the children in the control group.

What happens if adults offer material rewards to children for being helpful? One study at the Max Planck Institute, Leipzig, Germany, addressed that question When 20-month-old infants received a material reward during a treatment phase, they were less likely to engage in further helping during a test phase compared with infants who had previously received social praise or no reward at all. This so-called overjustification effect suggests that even the earliest helping behaviours of young children are inherently motivated and that socialization practices involving extrinsic rewards can undermine such a tendency.

Two studies, again at the Max Plank, investigated the influence of external rewards and social praise in young children’s fairness-related behaviour. In all scenarios, children’s willingness to engage in costly sharing was lessened by being rewarded for equal sharing as opposed to receiving praise or no reward. These results provide new evidence for the intrinsic motivation of costly sharing behaviour in very young children.

So, what can parents do to support the full development of empathy and altruism in their children? The list is long, but it starts with sensitive, warm, and loving parents who lead by example. Parents should exemplify empathetic behaviour and altruism in their actions and interactions. Engaging in volunteer work, sharing, or helping friends and family can instil the joy of giving without expecting anything in return. Children learn by observing.

Engage children in conversations that encourage them to see things from others' viewpoints. Storytelling, role-playing, and discussions about emotions can assist in developing perspective-taking skills.

Teach emotional literacy. Help children recognize and understand their emotions and those of others. Emphasize the importance of empathy in relationships and how it shapes interactions.

Foster an environment where children feel safe expressing their emotions and concerns. Address their fears and worries, helping them understand the importance of support.

Practice inductive discipline, an approach that emphasizes rational explanations rather than arbitrary punishments. Don’t yell. Explain. Avoid verbal or physical violence at all costs. Discourage your children from watching violent comics on TV or playing violent games on their computers.

Be careful when offering rewards. Studies referred to here have shown that when adults try to manipulate behaviour—by giving kids rewards and even certain kinds of praise—children actually become less helpful.

Through these efforts, we sow the seeds for a brighter, more compassionate tomorrow.

KEY POINTS

• From birth, we are wired to respond to the suffering of others.

• When adults try to manipulate behavior by giving kids rewards, children actually become less helpful.

• Our capacity to perceive and resonate with others’ suffering allows us to feel and understand their pain.

References

Simner, M. L. (1971). Newborn's response to the cry of another infant. Developmental psychology, 5(1), 136.

Rheingold, H. L. (1982). Little children's participation in the work of adults, a nascent prosocial behavior. Child Development, 114-125.

Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2007). Helping and cooperation at 14 months of age. Infancy, 11(3), 271-294.

Hammond, S. I., Al-Jbouri, E., Edwards, V., & Feltham, L. E. (2017). Infant helping in the first year of life: Parents’ recollection of infants’ earliest prosocial behaviors. Infant Behavior and Development, 47, 54-57.

Davidov, M., Paz, Y., . . . & Zahn‐Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016.

Barragan, R. C., Brooks, R., & Meltzoff, A. N. (2020). Altruistic food sharing behavior by human infants after a hunger manipulation. Scientific reports, 10(1), 1785.

Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2008). Extrinsic rewards undermine altruistic tendencies in 20-month-olds. Developmental psychology, 44(6), 1785.

Ulber, J., Hamann, K., & Tomasello, M. (2016). Extrinsic rewards diminish costly sharing in 3‐year‐olds. Child Development, 87(4), 1192-1203.